I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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