I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
