Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she told me i tasted like america
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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