I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
