mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
