You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
