Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
