Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
