You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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