You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
