I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
