I can't breathe out the right side of my face
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
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