Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
