I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
