So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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