I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
