My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
