Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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