We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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