I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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