Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
