My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
