I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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