he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
