The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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