im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
