He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
