would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
