I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
