I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
