P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
