At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
