My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
