She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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