mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize