best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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