Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
