Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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