I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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