just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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