I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
