sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
