god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
