True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
