OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
