Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
