to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
