Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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