In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
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