Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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