Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
