oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
