Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
