Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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