I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
