Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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