Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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