i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
