Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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