wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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