he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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