I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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