i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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