Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
