i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
