I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
