Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
