I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
