the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
